Blue City (Michelle Manning 1986) Walter Hill co-wrote and produced this noir by way of mid-80s Miami nonsense. Brat Packers Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy are on hand for numerous scenes of anonymous lowlifes getting shot in the chest with shotguns. This is a good example of what I thought 80s American cinema always looked like from the outside in. It's also the only way to talk about this film using the word "good."
Fandango (Kevin Reynolds 1985) Hmm, in a world where I already have
Diner, I'm not sure I need this, especially when the characters are fairly nondescript and their adventures not particularly interesting (save the amusing if unlikely parachuting sequence). Kevin Costner is charming in the lead and the film doesn't overstay its welcome, but I don't get the heaps of praise coming from those rediscovering and bolstering it here and elsewhere.
Hoosiers (David Anspaugh 1986) Complete snooze about cipher-y sports players and their surrounding humans, all inspired by winning basketball games.
the New Kids (Sean S Cunningham 1985) Exploitation master Cunningham followed up
Friday the 13th and
Spring Break with yet another teen movie that doesn't seem to understand teens on any level. In a decade where Tom Atkins made a nice career out of exiting films early, he set a new record here as a military dad to Lori Loughlin and some loser kid with one of those faces you want to hit who dies in an untimely accident, sending his orphaned children off to live with an amusement park-running uncle. After transferring, these kids run into the least likely school gang in film history. Led by a bleach-blonde James Spader, the gaggle of disgusting backwater hicks attempt to rape Loughlin several times and when rebuffed do things like hock a loogie at her, pour both lighter fluid
and gasoline on her, and smear fresh blood on her genital area in preparation for sicing an angry attack dog on her. Gee, what a fun movie this is! While I suspect this script was intended to be some kind of grindhouse throwback, the basic premise of the gang doesn't work if they're in high school (every single thing these creeps do would get them expelled immediately at even the most lax school in existence)-- though to be fair I'm not sure I'd want to see any version of this plot with any characters of any age.
Though she'll always been Aunt Becky to me, Lori Loughlin has the weird honor of starring in three of the most problematic teen pics of the decade. In addition to this mess, there's
Secret Admirer, which posits the unacceptable premise that when trying to pick between your plain best friend and a hot girl, the girl you turn down is the one who looks like Kelly Preston and only wants to talk about fashion and films. Isn't that like literally the human ideal? And
the Night Before is a movie with a premise so astonishingly misguided and in bad taste that I am going to spoiler tag my comments in case someone actually wants to experience the reality of this mind-blower for themselves unsullied (not recommended):
Instead of taking white suburban fears of urban life and gently making fun of the sheltered nature of the subjects, as in the superior Adventures in Babysitting, the Night Before posits a hellish world wherein the mostly ethnically diverse downtown life is a persistent threat to the well-being of white teens Keanu Reeves and Loughlin. In that film, the joke was on the kids. In this one, the kids are right to be nervous! The Night Before is told in flashback form after Reeves tries to piece together the events of the previous raucous evening and it is only about halfway through the film that he and we realize Reeves inadvertently sold his white girlfriend into sexual slavery. The remainder of the film then consists of Reeves' attempts to track down the pimp who has forced her into prostitution and if memory serves the last twenty minutes or so involve Loughlin handcuffed to a brass bed headboard, fending off several men who want to rape her. And this is all played for laffs!
I'm kind of scared to check IMDB to see if she starred in any other teen pics this decade, because her track record so far is so fascinatingly unlucky that I don't know if I could resist curiosity's call for more!
New York Stories (Martin Scorsese / Francis Ford Coppola / Woody Allen 1989) Well, I
thought I'd seen this and just forgotten it, but revisiting it turned out to be seeing it for the first time. Not that I'd call it conclusive proof, since I didn't end up liking any of the three segments enough to guarantee I'd remember them in any real detail in the future! I know Coppola's gets the hardest rep (still-- look a few posts up), but I could at least appreciate his attempt at making a Deanna Durbin-type girl's film unwisely plonked down in-between two mature pieces playing to older men! Scorsese's bore starring Nick Nolte, Rosanna Arquette, and "A Whiter Shade of Pale" like thirty fucking times seemed endless and had nothing of interest to contribute. Allen's piece had about ten minutes of jokes and ideas stretched out to four times that length. Considering that a good portmanteau film segment is a rare occurrence with even the brightest of talents involved, I can't say I was surprised, but I had held out hope I'd have liked at least some part of this. In retrospect, maybe these directors would prefer if more people forgot about this flick!
Private School (Noel Black 1983) One of countless early 80s teen sex comedies, this one at least had the good fortune to cast Phoebe Cates post-
Fast Times and thus has a slightly higher profile than it merits. Ray Walston also puts in a day's work as an amorous chauffeur, a clever move by the producers to further form a linkage to a much better film. The plot for this film, though, is typical thinly-connected scenes of horndog loser males trying to see girls naked, and when the absurdly attractive Betsy Russell is around, this task is even less difficult than could be expected. Director Black made the wonderful
Pretty Poison in the sixties, but between this and the truly loathsome
Mischief, this wasn't his decade!
Red Dawn (John Millius 1984) Oh my God, this was every bit the conservative jerk-off circle it's always accused of being. Even in the 80s it's rare to see such unchecked propaganda being sold as mass entertainment. The film is so brazen in its absurd and intellectually offensive premise that I give it minor points for ballsiness. Any movie wherein an invasion of the United States starts thousands of miles inland and begins by bad guys parachuting down onto a high school and opening fire on its denizens is impossible to take seriously. One of the most astonishingly stupid, bull-headed, aggressive, violent, pointless, witless, and tedious films I've ever seen. Boy, finally getting around to all those films from this decade that are part of our American collective cultural consciousness is really paying off so far, huh?
When Time Ran Out (James Goldstone 1980) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. This film cost $20 million dollars? Are we sure the currency is correct? Was this film an elaborate money laundering scheme for the mob? Because no way did this TV movie-looking piece of shit cost anything approaching millions. Producer Irwin Allen's last big bu--hahahaha, sorry--dget disaster flick concerns a volcano triggered into activity after an oil derrick drills into it. Somehow there is barely any lava, almost no action scenes, and-- I swear to God this happens-- the big moment late in the film when all the poor dumb people who refused to go with Paul Newman and instead stayed inside the fancy resort hotel finally die due to an errant fireball is represented on-screen by the guests seeing a matte-overlayed firey-thing moving across the screen and then cut to a small model of a hotel being destroyed by what appear to be three or four sparklers in about 2-3 seconds of footage. Or what about the dramatic moment where a helicopter with maybe five people aboard is "weighed down" and yet drives level straight ahead into a cliff, complete with exasperated cries of shock from lookers-on? Or people falling
Vertigo-style into a green screen every couple minutes during the thrilling "finale" (A sequence so dull and interminable that, when it was over, I didn't realize it was the big finish until the end credits rolled). A welcome death knell for one of the previous decade's worst trends. Hahahahahahaaha $20 million?